You've Got to Risk It to Get the Biscuit
Updated: 2 hours ago
What ACT can teach us about willingness, uncomfortable feelings, and doing what matters anyway
By Sarah Plassman
Sheesh! And Other Thoughts on Being Human
There are certain phrases that contain considerably more wisdom than they have any right to.
In the words of Jimmy Fallon:
You've got to risk it to get the biscuit.
For me, obviously a Red Lobster cheddar biscuit.
Or maybe, for you, it’s the British biscuit, which is more like a cookie you’d have with afternoon tea.
Either way, the principle is sound.
Sometimes, if you want a certain outcome, you have to risk something.
Perhaps your comfort.
Your certainty.
Your pride.
Your carefully maintained illusion that you can somehow participate fully in life without ever feeling embarrassed, disappointed, anxious, rejected, unsure, vulnerable, or mildly ridiculous.
Bad news bears.
You cannot.
Or at least, not if you want to do very much.
Apparently Discomfort Is Included
There is a therapy approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT.
One of the ideas within ACT is willingness.
Willingness means making room for uncomfortable thoughts and feelings when doing so allows us to move toward something that matters.
Anxiety. Fear. Embarrassment. Uncertainty. Sadness. Vulnerability.
The goal is not to enjoy them.
No one is asking you to wake up and say:
Wonderful. I was hoping for some rejection today.
Willingness is more like:
I don't particularly want this feeling, but I am willing to have it if it shows up while I do something that matters to me.
That distinction matters.
Because many of us organize our lives around a different question:
How can I make sure I don't feel uncomfortable?
And if avoiding discomfort becomes the main goal, our lives can get surprisingly small.
Avoidance Works. Sort Of.
This is what makes avoidance so appealing.
If public speaking makes you anxious and you never present, your anxiety goes down.
Success.
If dating makes you vulnerable and you stop dating, vulnerability goes down.
So does your chance of meeting anyone.
But hey, at least your couch knows exactly where you stand.
Success.
Sort of.
Because when we avoid difficult feelings, something else can disappear with them.
Opportunity.
Connection.
Growth.
Adventure.
Self respect.
The chance to discover that we could actually do the thing we were afraid to do.
That is one of the frustrating realities of being human:
We often cannot eliminate difficult feelings without also eliminating some of the experiences that matter to us.
To strive for success, we risk failure.
To search for love, we risk rejection.
To try something new, we risk looking inexperienced.
To be a real friend, we risk vulnerability.
To stand up for something important, we risk disagreement.
To love people, eventually, we risk grief.
There is no version of a meaningful life where we successfully remove all of those possibilities.
I have checked.
Very inconvenient.
The Price of Entry
Almost everything we value has some kind of emotional admission price.
Want to make a new friend?
You may have to start the conversation.
Want a different job?
You may have to tolerate uncertainty long enough to apply.
Want to share an idea?
Someone could disagree with it.
Want a closer relationship?
Eventually, someone is going to have to know something real about you.
Want to set a boundary?
There is a chance the other person will not clap.
Discomfort is often the price of entry.
Not because suffering makes something valuable.
And not because we should deliberately seek pain.
But because many things we care about require us to leave the small area where everything feels predictable and controlled.
Unfortunately, life does not appear to offer a premium subscription that removes vulnerability.
I would have purchased it.
So, Are You Willing?
There is a simple ACT-style question I really like:
Am I willing to have this feeling in order to do something I care about?
You can turn it into a sentence:
I am willing to have __________ in order to __________.
I am willing to have anxiety in order to give the presentation I worked hard on.
I am willing to have awkwardness in order to introduce myself to someone new.
I am willing to have uncertainty in order to apply for something I really want.
I am willing to have vulnerability in order to tell someone how I really feel.
The feeling does not have to leave first.
That is the part we sometimes miss.
We think:
Once I feel confident, I'll do it.
That is a lovely plan.
Please let me know when life begins issuing guarantees.
Sometimes confidence comes after we do the thing.
Sometimes courage feels suspiciously similar to anxiety while it is happening.
And sometimes the only way we learn that we can tolerate discomfort is by giving ourselves the opportunity to tolerate it.
You Learn Something About Yourself
Every time you choose something that matters while allowing discomfort to come along for the ride, you collect a little evidence.
I can be nervous and still speak.
I can feel awkward and still connect.
I can hear no and survive it.
I can try without knowing exactly how it will turn out.
You are not just completing the action.
You are practicing your values.
You are learning something about who you are.
I am someone who shows up.
I am someone who speaks.
I am someone who loves.
I am someone who tries.
Of course, willingness does not guarantee the outcome.
Sometimes you risk it for the biscuit and Red Lobster is, tragically, fresh out.
You apply and don't get the job.
You ask and hear no.
You try something and discover you hate it.
You open yourself up and get hurt.
Willingness does not promise that everything works out.
It gives you the opportunity to live according to your values even when you cannot control the outcome.
That is a different kind of success.
You Are Also Allowed to Say No
Willingness does not mean saying yes to everything that scares you.
Not every uncomfortable thing is valuable.
You do not need to ride every roller coaster, attend every party, accept every opportunity, repair every relationship, or prove anything by making yourself miserable.
Sometimes the answer is:
No. This is not worth the biscuit.
Perfectly acceptable.
ACT is not about worshipping discomfort.
It is about noticing whether avoidance is making your decisions for you.
So instead of asking:
Can I force myself to do this?
Try:
Does this move me toward something I value?
What am I willing to feel in order to move toward it?
Not fear versus no fear.
Not comfort versus discomfort.
Is avoidance making the decision, or are my values?
Courage Isn't Feeling Ready
We spend a surprising amount of time waiting to feel ready.
Sometimes readiness comes.
And sometimes Tuesday comes and you're still nervous.
There are moments when the next step is simply:
I don't love how this feels.
I don't know exactly how this will go.
This matters to me.
I'm willing.
And then you do one small thing.
Send the email.
Walk into the room.
Start the conversation.
Share the idea.
Set the boundary.
Try.
You do not have to feel fearless.
You get to decide whether what matters to you is worth making a little room for fear.
Sometimes it is.
Sometimes it isn't.
That part is yours.
But if it matters to you, reflects the person you want to be, and fear is the main thing standing between you and it...
Well.
You've got to risk it for the biscuit.
And apparently the biscuit is a life that looks a little more like your values.
Which is considerably less catchy.
But probably healthier.
Sheesh.
When Avoidance Starts Making the Decisions
Sometimes anxiety, fear, embarrassment, uncertainty, or painful past experiences quietly begin deciding what we allow ourselves to pursue.
Therapy can help us notice those patterns, clarify what matters, and practice making room for difficult emotions while taking manageable steps toward the life we want to build.
At Agape Counseling Center, our therapists work with people navigating anxiety, life transitions, relationships, confidence, avoidance, and the many situations where doing what matters can also feel uncomfortable.
The goal is not to never feel afraid.
Sometimes the goal is learning that fear does not automatically get the deciding vote.
A Little More on This
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
ACT is a behavioral therapy approach focused on psychological flexibility: making room for difficult internal experiences while choosing actions guided by personal values.
For further reading:
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
About the Author
Sarah Plassman, MSW, LISW-S, is a therapist and owner of Agape Counseling Center in Centerville, Ohio, and the author of Sheesh! And Other Thoughts on Being Human.
Being a therapist has shaped the way she sees people, relationships, pain, joy, growth, and all the complicated things we carry with us.Through her writing, Sarah shares some of what she has learned from years in the therapy room, her own life, and simply paying attention to what it means to be human, with clinical insight, compassion, curiosity, and usually a little humor. Because apparently, if she goes too long without saying something weird, she starts becoming suspiciously well adjusted, and nobody wants that.
Educational Disclaimer
This article is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized mental health assessment, diagnosis, treatment, or professional advice. The therapeutic relationship and appropriate treatment approach will vary based on each person's needs and circumstances.
