What’s in Alanis Morissette’s Junk Drawer?

How DBT Dialectical Thinking Helps us Move Beyond Either/or Thinking and Make Room for Conflicting Emotions.

By Sarah Plassman MSW, LISW-S

Sheesh! And Other Thoughts About Being Human

The very first CD I ever bought with my own money was Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill.

If you were anywhere near adolescence in the mid 1990s, you probably understand.

That album was angry.

Empowering.

Messy.

Vulnerable.

A little unhinged.

Basically, excellent preparation for becoming a teenage girl.

I loved the whole thing.

But one of the first songs I remember really loving was “Hand in My Pocket.”

At eleven years old, I mostly thought it was fun.

The lyrics were weird. Alanis sang in that high, yodel-like, unmistakably Alanis voice that was extremely satisfying to imitate at a volume no one else in your household had requested.

And the song kept bouncing back and forth between things that seemed like they should not go together.

She was “broke but I'm happy” and “sad but I'm laughing.”

At eleven, I thought:

This is catchy.

At forty something, I think:

Oh.

She knew.

I have been listening to that song for more than thirty years, and somehow it makes more sense now than it ever did when I was young.

Because adulthood, as it turns out, involves carrying a surprising number of contradictory things at the same time.

I can love my life and be exhausted by it.

I can be grateful and disappointed.

I can know I made the right decision and still feel sad about it.

I can love someone and be angry with them.

Apparently, emotional maturity was less about finally getting all my feelings organized and more about realizing they were never going to stand quietly in a single file line.

So what does Alanis Morissette have to do with therapy and mental health?

Other than providing an entire generation with emotional processing before many of us had copays?

Quite a bit, actually.

Apparently Alanis Was Teaching Dialectics

There is a treatment model called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT.

DBT was developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, and one of the ideas at the heart of the model is dialectical thinking.

The word dialectical sounds considerably more complicated than the idea needs to be.

At its simplest, it means recognizing that two things that appear to oppose each other can both contain truth.

DBT itself is built around one particularly important dialectic:

Acceptance and change.

I can accept myself as I am right now.

And

I can work toward changing things that are hurting me.

Those ideas do not cancel each other out.

We often need both.

The trouble is that our brains really like either/or.

Our brains like clean categories but

Life keeps handing us junk drawers.

Good or bad.

Right or wrong.

Strong or weak.

Success or failure.

Pick a side.

Life, unfortunately, keeps handing us and.

I love you and I need a boundary.

I am grateful and I wish this were different.

I am strong and I need help.

I can understand why you did something and still believe it hurt me.

That tiny word creates a surprising amount of room.

And.

It lets us hold more than one truth without requiring one of them to disappear.

The Trouble With Either/Or

When emotions are high, our thinking can get narrower.

If I am struggling, maybe I am not actually doing well.

If I miss someone, maybe leaving was the wrong decision.

If I am angry with someone I love, maybe something is wrong with the relationship.

If I need help, maybe I am not really strong.

We start treating complicated human experiences like courtroom verdicts.

One side wins.

The other must be wrong.

Except people are rarely that tidy.

We contain competing needs, old patterns and new growth, confidence and doubt, hope and grief.

Sometimes all before lunch.

That does not necessarily mean something has gone wrong.

Sometimes it means you are a person.

A fairly complicated one.

Welcome.

Both Things Can Be True

One of the phrases I use often as a therapist is:

Both things can be true.

Your parents may have loved you deeply and there may be things from your childhood you need to heal from.

Your partner may not have intended to hurt you and you may still have been hurt.

You may have made the healthiest decision available to you and still grieve what it cost.

The goal is not always to force one side to win.

Sometimes the work is learning how to make room for the whole sentence.

And that can be harder than it sounds.

Because accepting one truth can sometimes feel like betraying the other.

If I admit I am struggling, am I being ungrateful?

If I acknowledge what someone did right, does that minimize what they did wrong?

If I understand why someone behaved the way they did, does that mean I have to excuse it?

No.

Understanding is not the same as approving.

Gratitude does not erase pain.

Love does not eliminate anger.

Strength does not eliminate need.

Two truths can sit beside each other without one destroying the other.

That is dialectical thinking.

Maybe “Okay” Was Never One Thing

I think this is why “Hand in My Pocket” hits differently now.

At eleven, the contradictions were quirky lyrics.

At forty something, they sound a lot more like Tuesday.

Life is full of seasons where the honest answer to How are you? is considerably longer than anyone standing in the grocery store checkout line is prepared to hear.

I'm good.

And tired.

Happy.

And worried.

Grateful.

And grieving something.

Confident about one thing and completely winging another.

Being okay was never supposed to mean feeling only one thing at a time.

Maturity is not finally sorting everything into the correct emotional drawer.

Sometimes it is learning to hold a few truths at once without assuming their coexistence means something is wrong.

Which, apparently, Alanis Morissette understood.

Thirty years later, I get it.

Both things can be true.

One hand in my pocket.

And the other one...

Apparently holding several competing emotional realities.

Sheesh.

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When You're Stuck in Either/Or

Sometimes the hardest part is not what we feel.

It is believing we are only allowed to feel one thing.

Therapy can give us room to untangle competing feelings without forcing one of them to disappear. It can help us notice rigid either/or thinking, understand what our emotions may be telling us, and make decisions that leave room for more than one truth.

At Agape Counseling Center, our therapists work with people navigating anxiety, relationships, grief, life transitions, identity, and the many situations where life refuses to give us a simple answer.

Sometimes the goal is not choosing the correct side.

Sometimes it is learning how to hold the whole sentence.

A Little More on This

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan and intentionally balances acceptance with change. Dialectical thinking encourages us to move away from rigid either/or positions and consider whether multiple truths can exist at the same time.

For further reading:

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

American Psychological Association. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, APA Dictionary of Psychology.

And, obviously:

Alanis Morissette. Jagged Little Pill. 1995.

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About the Author

Sarah Plassman, MSW, LISW-S, is a therapist and owner of Agape Counseling Center in Centerville, Ohio, and the author of Sheesh! And Other Thoughts on Being Human. Being a therapist has shaped the way she sees people, relationships, pain, joy, growth, and all the complicated things we carry with us. Through her writing, Sarah shares some of what she has learned from years in the therapy room, her own life, and simply paying attention to what it means to be human, with clinical insight, compassion, curiosity, and usually a little humor.

Because apparently, if she goes too long without saying something weird, she starts becoming suspiciously well adjusted, and nobody wants that.

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Educational Disclaimer

This article is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized mental health assessment, diagnosis, treatment, or professional advice. The therapeutic relationship and appropriate treatment approach will vary based on each person's needs and circumstances.